Stupid Bitch

Two auditions coming up. One for a short, unpaid (of course...) film, as a drug baron. Tomorrow at the Royal Festival Hall, which is not necessarily a good sign. It's the second time I've been called in there. The first was two or three months ago for a similar role. It's difficult to give a good performance when sitting at a café table with noise and bustle around you. I think I did quite well, but I didn't get the part. You can detect my lack of enthusiasm, but there's a reason why I'm going. I may now have several films under my belt, including three that are in post-production, but in only two of them do I have any lines, and my total word-count for both films is an amazing twelve words or fewer (including the memorable "Gawd lives in the sewers!" which remains one of the best lines I have ever spoken).

Audition two is in just over a week, for a profit-share theatre production. Gang leader (what else?). I've been sent the audition script - written by someone who is either dyslexic or an appalling speller and who either has no access to spellcheck facilities (computer? literate friend?) or who doesn't care about what s/he has written. The first two words - "Stupid bitch" - are spelt correctly, but when spelling and punctuation are so bad that they frequently distort or destroy meaning (such as using "there" for "they're" and failing to use commas and full stops to indicate ideas), you have to wonder at the playwright's overall ability. A play is about communication and you not only have to able to communicate your ideas to an audience (which this script may do - I've only seen one speech) but you have to communicate your words to your actors. If your script is so badly put together that the actors are not sure what you have written, then you're off to a bad start. If you have pride in your work and you know that your spelling is abysmal, or you're uncertain about it (and if you don't know the difference between "your" and "you're" then you know that you're in trouble, or you know what your trouble is...), then get someone to proofread what you've written before you send it out. Otherwise, you're giving the impression that you're not very good at your job.

Having redrafted the script so that it now makes sense, I'm learning my lines, starting with the "Stupid Bitch", through the immortal "And then I shot her stone fucking cold dead. BANG." to end with the thoughtful, but sparsely, punctuated "And believe me this line of work pays well. So what's not to love?" Let's hope they love me...