A Head of the Rest

On Thursday evening I'm in the foyer of the Royal Festival Hall, apparently for an audition. I'm a little suspicious, because auditions tend to take place in specific rooms rather than public spaces and the idea that I should join the milling crowds on the off-chance of meeting whoever might want to hire me and giving them a speech from Henry V or reeling off whatever lines they have for me, doesn't quite gel. In fact it sounds more like a practical joke played by some reality tv programme and I wonder if the mass of humanity around me is suddenly going to stop moving, turn as one, point in my direction and say with an evil laugh "Ha, you didn't get the part!"

The reality is more mundane. I call contact Nely and two seconds later she scurries over and takes me to director Paul, who is sitting at a small café table with a notepad. The crowds around us fade into the background and we discuss the project and why he wants to see me. The role I'm up for is White Suit Assassin and what attracted me to him is my head.

Me on a good day: picture from 3dbuzz.com

I've been told I have a unique look before. Usually it's my face that's commented on, but sometimes it's my head. Which means I'm not being chosen because of my acting talent, but because I look like some space alien who is trying, not always successfully, to pass as human. I may have applied enough make-up to hide my green or grey skin (the colour depends on the time of year and whether I am in rut or oestrus and no, you can't check my tanline), but there's not much I can do to hide the enormous smooth skull perched above my too-pale eyebrows. And that's what directors want.

Or some directors. The next day I learn that Paul of Kill Mode has gone for another actor. (Swizz, curses!) But as you all (should) know, I've already strutted my head in two short films in the last ten days and I'm scheduled to do so again on Tuesday. Not to mention the audition I did on Friday, the outcome of which I still have not heard. Paul may not want me and I may not be being paid, but at least I know I am still A Head of the Rest...