Thinking Before I Act: I

Remember Clouds of Grey - the loud, violent thriller at the Moors Bar Theatre a month ago where I appeared as violent gangster / drug-dealer Steve Marks? Almost every night I came off the stage and mingled with the audience (I had to - if only to reach the accent), one or more spectators came up to me and said I was fantastic, truly frightening. As my character says "At the end of the I go home well satisfied, knowing I've made a difference. What's not to love?" A great feeling. Adrenalin high. Ego boosted. What's not to love?

Wind back a couple of weeks. I'm on stage practising a fight scene. I'm not happy. Just as I think my partner and I have got the moves right, the director, other cast members and crew complain that it's not realistic enough. We're going through the motions and it looks fake. I am not the psychopathic murderous bastard that I'm supposed to be. While my character may come across as a cuddly bear, I - actor Martin Foreman - am in a foul mood. I've had enough of this production and I want to chuck it in. But of course I have to be professional. I have to stay. A new fight scene is choreographed. I don't think it's an improvement, but what do I know or care? Let's get it over with. Let me get home.

Rehearsal days come and go. We're in a confined space with music blaring out at eardrum-destructive levels.  I don't complain. Everyone in the team except me and one other cast member is under 30. This is their show. This is how they relax. On the other hand, it's making me tense. I just want to lock myself away somewhere quiet until I'm needed, then come out and do my thing and go home. But I can't. For this play to work, I have to be part of the team. I have to socialise. Luckily there is not one person around me who is unlikeable. They may have different personality traits and skill levels, but we all get on together - much better than any other acting team I've been in. Which means that only person I can complain about it me, myself, moi.

Dress and tech rehearsals come and go. I have had a tension headache for days. I'm aware of a dull pain in the chest that I am sure is stress-related. I am desperate for this show to come and go, so that I can get back my life and relax again. I remind myself that I have, for better or for worse, put myself through this situation several times before. In the early performances of The Lower Depths, my heart would continuously thump fast and loud before I stepped onto the stage. I only appeared briefly in two scenes of  As You Like It but I felt stupid and out of my depth. And in several of the short films I have made I have worried that I was acting a fool instead of acting a part.

So why, I wonder, am I acting at all? If I have to spend weeks in a foul temper for the sake of forty minutes of pleasure, what am I doing here? What is the point? Shouldn't I think before I act - think before I take the decision to act?

To be continued...