One Year On

"What makes a man, whose last appearance on the stage was as a sixteen year old, his Private Smith in The Long and The Short and The Tall a lifeless, motionless mannequin, decide at the age of 58-and-a-half that he wants to be an actor?"

That was the question I asked in the first paragraph in the first post on this blog, exactly one year ago. Re-reading the rest of the post, I am not particularly impressed by my answer. Like a lot of what I write, it comes across well on a single reading, but it doesn't hold up under close examination. I claimed, for instance, that I was motivated more by curiosity (can I do this?) than vanity (I want everyone to see how good I am), but when I look again at such lines as

"I do not want people to look at me and remember my name and make me a Celebrity; I want people to see or hear me and to forget who I am, while they are taken to a place that they did not know existed, that opens windows in their minds."

it is clear that my modesty is false and I do indeed want people to see how wonderful I am.

Vanity aside, how far have I got? Well, I have made three stage appearances. The first, as Charles the Wrestler in As You Like It, is best forgotten. The second, as one of a trio of unpleasant and mostly silent heavies in The Duchess of Malfi was fun but neither challenge to nor proof of my acting abilities. The third, Luka in The Lower Depths convinced me that I have some acting ability - although almost certainly less than I think I have.

I have a fourth appearance upcoming - as the Priest in a play which I myself have written (what more proof of vanity do I need?) - but after that nothing. Auditions have been few and far between and when they have come up, have not led to being cast.

A small part of me thinks I should stop now. I have proved to myself that I can act. But at nearly sixty years old, it is highly unlikely that I am ever going to be able to make acting a career. The effort I put into looking for work is always going to be much greater than the reward of low-paid or no-paid stage or screen roles. There are other things I could be doing with my life - spending more time at my online book business, clearing out the cupboards in my flat that have been waiting for my attention for the last four years, studying the languages I still have an interest in, joining the Ramblers Association, and other intellectually profitable activities.

But of course I can't stop now. There's always the hope - almost as futile a hope of winning the lottery - that my next stage appearance will be the one that gets me national attention, an agent and a well-paid role in a play or a film. So for at least another year I'll update my profile on Casting Call Pro (I might even get onto Spotlight) and write this blog and apply for auditions and tweet my professional life in the hope that Cameron Mackintosh or Danny Boyle follows me and you, dear reader, if you have nothing else to do, can accompany me on this meandering journey.